Nate Baker's Newsletter #96

"The coaching education newsletter for those dedicated to helping their people pursue their potential."

The Culture Rep

Essential Reading for All Developers

I Love Coaching, But I Hate This…

November 22, 2024 | Read on my website | Read time: 5 minutes

There is profound pain in realizing you’ve grown indifferent to something that once meant everything to you.

You love coaching.

You desired:

Coaching at the Highest Level
Becoming the Next Great Coach
Transforming the Game Itself
Taking Home All the Plaudits

Twenty years ago, I wanted to be José Mourinho. I wanted to be anti-establishment. I wanted to slide on my knees at Old Trafford after doing the impossible.

I wanted to be “The Special One.”

And that gave me the juice and inspiration to learn a new craft. But it also tethered me to the idea that my coaching biography would become proof of my self-worth. The truth is, this desire to prove myself led me to many dead ends.

And toward a lot of suffering.

I’m glad to say I’m no longer in that place. I enjoy my current work, the people, and the vision. There are bad days, but I no longer ascribe my self-worth to anything outside my control.

But I see this angst everywhere I go:

I see it on the sideline weekly.
I feel it energetically at a complex.
I hear it from my best friends in the game.
I hear it from young coaches asking for help.

Every day, I encounter coaches who are caught in the paradox of loving and hating coaching at the same time.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you’re currently navigating the love/hate paradox of coaching, here are 6 suggestions to help you reignite your passion and rediscover the joy of coaching 100% of the time.

1. Remove Yourself from the Stage (Build Awareness)

Step off the stage and take a seat higher up in the rafters.

You aren’t seeing the entire play. You are stuck in survival mode, reacting to inputs without greater context. Change your physiology: go for a run, lift some weights, or walk in nature (all without a phone or distractions).

Take yourself out of survival mode, and develop a greater understanding of what is truly happening around you.

2. Create Clarity on What You Control (and What You Do Not)

We really don’t have control over much.

But that realization can be freeing. You can’t control your bosses, the refs, the opposing staff, the leadership, the conditions, or the next opportunity. So why allow those things to hijack your emotional state?

Build deeper awareness and exercise the agency you do have.

3. You Are More Than a Coach (Identity Change)

Intellectually, we understand this, but emotionally, we struggle to comprehend it:

I am more than just a coach.

We got married. We had children. We joined communities (physical, spiritual, friendship-based, etc.), but treat coaching like it’s the one game we play.

Life is about connection, but we become disconnected when we believe we are nothing more than our identity as a coach.

4. Imagine a World Where You Didn’t Coach

I’ve faced this harsh reality many times against my will.

I’ve been fired. I’ve left gigs because it was best for my family. I’ve been a stay-at-home dad for a year during the pandemic.

Do this work before life interjects, because this understanding will help you better enjoy today and whatever comes tomorrow.

5. Realize the Journey You Are On

This is just the next step in your development.

Challenge, adversity, and pain light the way to our potential—not just as coaches, but in all the roles we play. We can be victims, cursing the dragon in front of us, or we can slay it and explore the space beyond it.

Realizing the pain you feel is part of a bigger process can create the conditions for joy, even in your darkest days.

6. Do the Next Right Thing (and Have Faith)

My team defines toughness as simply the ability to do the next right thing, regardless of circumstance.

I know many coaches who have spent years grinding, only to reach a moment of clarity where they realize things are far worse than they ever imagined—and they feel completely stuck. Sadness and anger become the prevailing emotions due to a perceived lack of options. But there is always a next step.

Bet on yourself by taking the next best step and having faith it will work out—even if that means taking a break from coaching.

Final Words

A young coach called me for advice a few days ago.

He wanted to coach at higher levels.

He was getting the same bad advice I received two decades earlier:

Build a resume.
Build a network.
Try to coach at the biggest clubs or schools.
Just get your foot in the door and grind.

I shared my best advice for progressing through levels while staying true to his path.

But I didn’t tell him that he could do all these things right,

And still find himself hating the thing he loves.

I didn’t become Mourinho. And for years, that upset me—until I realized that wasn’t my path.

I am at a place in my life where I enjoy and love coaching every day, but I can also see a future where I’m no longer on the pitch.

And that is extremely exciting.

Don’t get me wrong, you might be the next Mourinho, Klopp, or Guardiola…

But even if that is your path, you will eventually find yourself loving coaching and hating it too.

And when that happens, keep these six principles close.

So you can stay on your path and continue to enjoy each step.

Injury Time

A Chance to Connect Before the Final Whistle

This Week's Question:

Did you resonate with the article? And if so, describe your current coaching situation and where you currently stand within the love-hate paradox.

Just hit "reply" to this email, so I can hear your thoughts. Let's just have a conversation over email. I'm hungry to connect and be of service.

Have a great weekend, and good luck with your next step.

To Development,

Nate Baker

Founder of The Developer’s Way

Author of Nate Baker's Newsletter

Creator of The Daily Developer

P.S. Whenever you are ready, there is 1 more way I can help you👇: